When we sin against others, our relationships change. At the very least they become strained, at worst they are permanently broken. Even if restored, there is a dynamic of those relationships that is never the same. Isolation is an immediate consequence created by our sin’s impact on those around us.

After leading a large congregation, the sense of isolation was especially difficult for me. The phone calls quickly stopped. Emails and text messages ceased. I went from having a constant stream of interaction with people I loved, to sudden silence.

At this point it’s easy to feel rejected and marginalized – cast off from the community of believers like a type of leper. It appeared that when I needed people the most, I was abandoned. Yet, after time, I realized that this was part of the process. The isolation was God’s plan to ultimately work out His purpose for my life.

In the Bible, King David was driven from Jerusalem by his son, Absalom. David had sinned, which opened the door for Absalom to lead a revolt against his father. David is fleeing to the wilderness of the desert, leaving behind all he knows. It in this place of isolation that David said, “If I find favor in the Lord’s eyes, he will bring me back and let me see it and his dwelling place again. But if he says, ‘I am not pleased with you,’ then I am ready; let him do to me whatever seems good to Him.”

In times of discipline, isolation is part of God’s plan to draw us back to Himself, back to a greater place of dependence. It is in the place of isolation that we can once again settle the reality of our identity in Christ and not in the affirmation of others.

A bridge spans the gap between two locations. Trust spans the gap between two individuals. 4 ½ years ago, my heart was broken with betrayal in my marriage. A huge chasm spanned the space between me and my husband. My trust in Mike was completely shattered. All I could do was take baby steps of forgiveness. Creating a trusting relationship out of that horrible void was the challenge that loomed ahead. Today, I can say that we have experienced the miracle of re-built trust. It is possible! Here’s what we learned …

 For the one who has been betrayed – Unfair as it may seem, it’s true. God asks us to go against our self-preservation instinct and trust Him. Trust Him with the ultimate outcome and resist the urge to run or build a deep, self-protective wall. That way you are giving the offender the OPPORTUNITY to re-build the bridge from their end. If restoration is what you really want, there is no other option.  Ask God to give you strength and grace to do simply this.

 To the betrayer I would say it is up to you to re-build the bridge of trust from your end. Here’s how:

 1. Confess your sin – Be honest and open. This is your chance to get it right. Don’t blow it!

 2. Take full responsibility – Don’t blame others, offer excuses or be defensive. In Christ, there is NO excuse for any of us to fall, even though we still do. Other people are not our standard of righteousness. Jesus is.

 3. Accept the pain you’ve caused – Allow those you’ve hurt to tell you the anguish your actions have caused, without fear of your negative response. Until you realize the devastation you’ve caused, you really can’t repent with the appropriate depth of grief. Don’t deny or diminish the feelings of those you’ve betrayed.

 4. Process together – Don’t retreat to your tower and say, “I’ll work it out and then get back to you.” Most likely, isolation is a big reason you’re in this mess. It’s time to do the hard work of building a real, open relationship.

 5. Fellowship with a local Christian community – If it’s not practical to continue to attend the church you are currently in, be sure to find a local church. No matter how difficult it may be, the community of believers is a part of God’s process for healing.

 I respect Mike immensely for consistently doing what’s right in the midst of the shame, anger, and pain of the consequences of his sin. By the grace of God, he and I were able to develop a stronger bridge of transparency and trust in our marriage … and so can you!!

Let’s Talk: You, like me, may have had your trust shattered! What was your initial response? Where are you now in the process? Of the points I mentioned, what is the most important one to you right now? If you’re rebuilding trust, what is the hardest part?

 At this point the details aren’t important. What’s important is, I had betrayed the trust of my wife, my family and my friends; as well as the trust of thousands who had put their trust in me. So much was lost. My reputation, my credibility, the vision I believe God had for our lives, and not the least of all, trust.

 The American Heritage Dictionary defines trust as: Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person. I had compromised my integrity for selfish pleasure! The question is, “Can trust be rebuilt?” If so, what does it take?

 I want to share just a few behaviors that help to rebuild trust. I am in no way an expert; I’m still working all of this out.

 1. Talk straight. Tell the truth and leave the right impression. This involves not only being truthful about the facts, but making sure we leave a truthful impression. In other words, living in the “no spin zone.”

2. Right wrongs. Not every wrong can always be “righted”, but the ones that can, need to be.

3. Own it. This means both taking responsibility for our actions as well as the consequences. The temptation is to own up to what we did, but not take responsibility for the consequences of our actions. Even if the consequences are unfair, they’re still a result of our sin.

4. Give it plenty of time. Even though it takes only minutes to violate trust, it takes years to rebuild it. It is unfair to those we have hurt to try to speed up the process.

 Some will never trust me again, no matter how I live the rest of my life. That’s my fault. But, to live out the rest of our lives in an honorable way has its own eternal rewards.

Let’s Talk: Have you ever had your trust violated in a profound way? If so, how did it make you feel?  In what ways do you need to rebuild trust?

Responding carries with it more thought. It is better than merely reacting. Because responding usually involves more time, it has the appearance of leadership. Yet, Organizations respond to the competition. Co-workers respond to one another. But, responding still doesn’t create change.

 There is a third option - initiate. Initiating involves seeing what others miss, and taking action. Initiating involves being pro-active. This is what leaders do! Leaders create events that cause others to react. They set the pace and create an environment where change takes place. They challenge the status quo. Leaders are never the most poplar, but they are the ones who decide what kind of world we live in.

Let’s Talk: Can you think of a situation that caused you to react? Are you now facing an opportunity to initiate change? Have you passed up that opportunity? If so, why?

Guys, this one’s for you, (for us). You’ve heard the saying, Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Most of us can remember times when we have been subjected to hurtful words, careless comments or gossip. We also know how painful those times can be. 

I’ve had things said to me that I couldn’t shake. I would find myself lying in bed at night, rehearsing those words over and over again. Words indeed are powerful. They carry the ability to hurt or heal. Words can either build or chip away at the foundation of our marriages.

When psychologists Cliff Nortarius and Howard Markman studied newlyweds over the first decade of marriage, they discovered that couples who stayed together uttered 5 or fewer put-downs in every 100 comments to each other. But couples who inflicted twice as many verbal wounds — 10 or more putdowns out of every 100 comments — later split up

As husbands, we set the course of the kind of language that defines our marriages. In Ephesians 5:25,26 it says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word” As we speak words of life to our wives, we are cleansing them from the words of discouragement. We are freeing them from words of criticism, bringing them comfort and joy.

It’s taken me years to figure this out. ( you’re right I am slow)! But, I have seen the heaviness of life lift off Bonnie when I have taken the opportunity to speak words of praise, faith and love to her.

Let’s talk up our wives.

Let’s talk: When was a time that you took advantage of an opportunity to “talk up” your wife? When are the times that make it difficult to verbally encourage her?

I was organizing some things in 100-degree heat, sweating profusely and, to be honest, feeling a little martyr-like. Then, I began to remind myself that God appreciates my obedient service to Him whether anyone else ever even knows what I did.

 You’ve probably thought … “Does anyone care that I’ve changed a dozen diapers of a sick baby today? Does anyone see the extra effort I put into our family meal? Does anyone know the extra hours I spent at work to make sure all the lose ends were tied up before the weekend? Does anyone care that I spend extra hours preparing to minister to the children at church?”

 I would venture a guess to say that obscurity is one of our greatest fears – the idea that very few will ever know or care about my wisp-of-a-life spent here on this planet. I believe we feel this way because there is a God-given desire living in each of us that wants to have an impact on our world.

 We have the invitation to allow ourselves to be transformed to be more and more like Christ, who lived the most extraordinary life in all of history.

 In our search for filling our God-given need for significance, meaning, purpose …. we tend toward going down the self-actualization road.  Focus on your talents, your career, your expertise, your network, your skills, your potential, your needs, your future – is the battle-cry of our success-driven culture. Yet, the extraordinarily-lived life of Christ had nothing to do with his self-discovery and everything to do with Him losing Himself in God’s will and plan for his life.

Let’s stay focused on finding our deepest and most fulfilling joy through sacrificing our our lives up in true worship. Then, we will shine with Christ-like beauty and, at the end of our days, we’ll be able to say, “It’s been an extraordinary life!”

Everybody recognizes that Ludwig van Beethoven was a musical genius. But few realize the adversity he had to overcome to achieve greatness. In his twenties, Beethoven began to lose his hearing. Because he couldn’t feel the music as he once had, on one occasion he said his fingers became “thick.” His hearing problems haunted him into the middle years of his life, but he kept it a guarded secret. By the time he reached his fifties, Beethoven was completely deaf. But he refused to give up. He was once overheard shouting at the top of his voice, “I will take life by the throat!” Many of his biographers believe the only reason Beethoven remained productive for so long was this determination. 

Remember God’s promise to you: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” [Joshua 1:9]

 Regardless the insurrmountable odds you may be facing, I want to challenge you to “take life by the throat.” today! Your life depends on it.

What you have inside of you is of great value. Don’t let your treasure waste away. Let’s step out, take a chance and touch the life of someone near us today. You make a difference!

Are People More Creative or Productive Working without Limits? September 20, 2009 No. Absolutely not. Boundaries matter. One of the biggest threats to not reaching your goal is working without limits. The biggest disaster most people have is when they’re given an unlimited budget, no deadline, or no expectations. I see it all the time in Hollywood, where a movie director has experienced success, so a studio gives him total freedom. Most of the time, that results in a disastrous movie. We also see it with government contracts. The less accountability, the higher the cost overruns and delays. The truth is, whether they admit it or not, creative and productive people operate best in the context of boundaries. Not rigid rules or unrealistic burdens, but constructive markers and expectations. For me it’s deadlines. I can’t even really get excited about a project until we get near the deadline, then everything kicks in. If you’re in a situation with no outside boundaries, then impose them yourself. Give yourself a deadline or a limited budget. And if you’re a leader, never let your employees operate without clearly marked expectations. Then get out of the way and let them run. You’ll find it creates far more incentive to excel.